I am reminded...the day Cash was born

I joined http://www.shareyourstory.org/ 2 days ago. This is a blog forum where families of preemies can post their short stories/blogs. The forum is made up of all kinds of families. Those who have had miscarriages, still births, live births, babies born with birth defects, diseases, chronic illnesses and those babies who are living and healthy. I cry as I write this, because it is by the grace of God our son falls in the last category mentioned. I have sat and read blog after blog of micropreemies bigger than Cash who didn't make it or are living with so many complications and disabilities. One story I read was of a husband who resusitated his pregnant wife this week in their home. They were able to save the baby but could not bring his wife back. He is burying his wife this 4th of July weeked as his tiny little girl fights for her life in the NICU. God be with these people.

I haven't written the blog about the day Cash was born because it has taken this long to find the words to put with the experience. I hope you enjoy reading our story, as this is also our testimony to a powerful and loving God.

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was laying in Labor and Delivery after a long night....waiting to hear the confirmation the Dr was going to go ahead with the C-section. The night before they had given me an Ambien. I had slept like a rock, which was good considering the circumstance we were in. It was around 10:00am, January 15th when the perinatologist visited my room for one last sonogram. After 20 minutes of the doctor sitting and staring at the screen, he proceeded to tell us Cash still wasn't making much of an effort at practice breathing or moving around. He was convinced we needed to do the C-section, but said we'd wait a couple more hours to get one last dose of steroids on board.

Around 12:00 the doctor came in, Diet Coke in hand and said, "Sweetheart, it's time." I was never angry that Cash was taken from me so early. In fact when the doctor explained I needed to trust them that he was better off out here than in my womb I wanted to say, "What are we waiting for?" We were waiting to see if Cash made any progression. He didn't.

I can't remember the exact number of family and friends waiting anxiously in the waiting room. My Mom made a list for me once, because I asked her about each and every person that was there. You see these weren't just guests waiting for Cash, they were his prayers warriors. They stormed the waiting room with the intent to pray over me and my family. We had no clue what the delivery was going to bring and we needed every prayer one could offer up. We had prayer warriors at the hospital, on the phone, through email. Cities away, states away, all anticipating our tiny miracle. Thank you all for the love and support you showed us that day and continue to show us on our journey with Cash.
(Pictures below are of Dustin coming out after delivery)

From there many nurses and doctors came in and out. Vital signs, surgery consents, epidural, etc. At 2:00 I was being wheeled down a hall and into the OR. I don't remember much other than the overwhelming flood of emotions. Dustin now at my side, I laid on the stretcher underneath an array of lights and army of doctors. As the doctors prepped me I began to cry. Dustin sitting by my head, holding my hand, asked if the epidural was making me cry? Poor guy. I had to giggle in the moment. "No, I'm just scared," I replied. "Me too," he said. My OB, who wasn't on call, had come by my room earlier and promised she'd be by my side through everything. She was. She saw me crying and stopped prepping to hold my hand. I am so thankful for her and her compassion. 

They proceed with prepping and the surgery began. It seemed like seconds before she said, "He's here, congratulations! Happy birthday sweet baby!" I felt he was way down, buried beneath, protected from everything and now here he was..out of my womb and vulnerable." I blinked and had a son. I wanted to put him back inside. I wanted to protect him from everything I knew he was about to have to endure. It was so surreal. All we could hear were whispers and orderly chaos. Cash had his own NICU team in the room. Dustin was allowed to walk over and see him. In a flash they were wheeling Cash past me, pausing for a 1/2 sec for me to see him and then rushing away. Dustin was allowed to follow and I was not having him stay with me. I wanted him with Cash and nowhere else. I don't remember much of the rest of my time in the OR. I know it was quick and I was preoccupied with coming to a reality of what just happened.

Recovery was in the same room as labor and delivery. My parents were waiting there for me, Dustin and his parents shortly to follow. Dustin brought the camera with 3 pictures of our new baby boy. I don't remember if he took these in the delivery room or the NICU. He was tiny and wonderful. He was a bright pink and his features were perfect. I asked Dustin what he looked like and he said beautiful and he was. Having a normal delivery you don't realize how much you take for granted. They place the baby right in your arms. You are the first to hold them, kiss them, speak to them, take care of them. Here we sat in a small room wondering who was taking care of, touching, and speaking to our tiny baby. It was hard. I wanted to hold him, kiss him, and tell him that we loved him. That Mommy and Daddy were here and we wouldn't leave him. Dustin was able to go and see him, but because they were working so frivilously on him, he wasn't able to stand over him for long. I think it was too stressful for him to stand alone, watch and absorb everything they were doing to his tiny son. So he came back and stayed with me. For 3 hours I waited to lay eyes on that precious boy.

(Pictures below: in recovery looking at the first pictures of Cash. Also below: the first 3 pictures Dustin took).

They wheeled me down on the stretcher around 5:30 that evening. I remember seeing him up close for the first time and telling him we loved him and we were there with him. We were allowed to touch him, but not rub him. Rubbing his skin would hurt him. That was so hard to hear. I wanted to touch my baby without fear I was going to cause pain. So we touched softly and shortly. He grabbed my finger and his tiny hands didn't even wrap around my finger. His foot was smaller than the second joint of my middle finger. He was as long as Dustin's forearm and Dustin's wedding ring could fit around his ankle. I could make a letter "C" with my hand and it would make his head look small. He was sticky from being so early and his skin was transparent. He was beautiful. The more I looked at him the more I wanted to look at him. He was truely heaven on earth. God had given us a miracle. 

(1st and 2nd photo below: our first family pictures, excuse my swollen post-epidural face).

(3rd picture- Dustin and holding each of Cash's hands).

We didn't stay for long because I was told I needed my rest. So I reluctantly obeyed and headed up to my room. I sent Dustin every time I could get him to leave me to go check on him. I called every couple of hours to speak with his nurse. The staff of the NICU was phenomenal. They explained everything and didn't care how many times I called or asked, they were always willing to answer and comfort me. Our primary concern was his breathing. The tests to show brain bleeds, hearing problems and vision problems would all come with time. Right now, Cash was on a ventilator and it was a matter of keeping him breathing effectively to move the oxygen and the rest out. I remember laying in the hospital bed that night. I could hear the new moms in the adjoining rooms with their crying babies. I wanted my baby in my room. I wanted to hear him cry. Because he was ventilated it was weeks before we even got to hear him cry. I cried that night. I wanted to hold him. I occupied my time pumping and trying to get my milk to come in. I was determined to have breast milk for him when he was ready to be fed. 

The days that followed his birth became more and more difficult. We had no clue what the NICU would entale. I guess when I delievered I never fathomed leaving the hospital without Cash in tow. However we had had a micropreemie we weren't bringing him home any time soon, no matter how much we wanted it or dreamt it. This meant we had to leave him. Leave him with people we didn't really know. We had to trust that they would take care of him in our absence. When I got pregnant I never imagined our baby would stay in the hospital for 90 days, fighting for his life. Each day brought new obstacles we could only pray he would overcome. When he would get past one thing, another would be waiting around the corner. Each ounce he gained was a celebration. Each milliLiter he was fed was a comfort knowing he was thriving and getting stronger.

I would have to go back to the emails my Dad sent out to recall the particular events and the day they happened. I'll do that eventually as I want to document all that happened. For now I'll wrap it up with this... 

It doesn't seem that long ago I was standing by that isolette in the NICU petitioning the Lord for my son's health. Day in and day out I stood by his isolette memorizing each of his tiny features, not knowing when we left for the night if we would see him the next day. There is no explanation for the emotions during that time. I recall the endless drives to and from the hospital. The from being the most exhausting. We would drive home hand in hand praying that God would protect what we could not control. Endless nights of restless sleep and middle of the night phones calls to check on him. Dustin and became closer than I think we ever would have had we have not gone through this. Our marriage was strong and the love we had for Cash was even stronger. God was with us and with Cash. Prayer got us through. We received prayers, letters, visits, gifts and love from family, friends and strangers. I have never in my life felt the presence of God more than I did during that time. He protected us, delievered us and saved Cash's life. 

Every day I look at Cash I remember what he's been through. What God has brought us through and how thankful and blessed we are to have our son. I pray I never forget this. I pray I can give back to those who are experiencing the same thing we did, or worse. I pray we teach Cash to be a servant and that his life is a reflection of what the Lord has done. We have a story to tell and we will tell it to anyone that will listen. January 15th, God gave us a miracle. His name is Cash. We didn't deserve him but are forever grateful God chose us to parent him. The joy, love and lesson of hope and faith he has already brought our family cannot be explained. We love you sweet baby Cash.